Woke up with a game plan of going through every item of clothing I own and getting rid of anything, no matter cost, sentimentality or desire, that I do not feel great wearing. This is a huge emotional task for me on many levels. I've cleared out my wardrobe many times, as I know clothes hoarding is an issue for me. Clothing holds powerful feelings for me; body image, scarcity and future outcomes. It's already 2 hours past when I planned to start the purging of my closets and I'm already immobilized.
I give my clothes to those in need as it's not only helping another person, but knowing this assists in taking my tight grip off something that is not serving my life. When I'm struggling with letting an item go I ask myself, "What if there is a woman right now who desperately needs this? You haven't worn it in 3 years yet this could be what helps her immensely! Can you give it up now?" I release immediately. Where I start to struggle is when scarcity mentality overtakes me. I imagine hypothetical situations where this one blouse is what I needed to survive and now it's gone. One time I was shopping and choosing between a beautiful sweater I wanted that was a bit out of the price range I'd like, or a ton of t-shirts that were on clearance. I bought the t-shirts because my trauma mind was concerned there might be a war and I'd need those for working in a factory. Feel free to laugh, as this is nuts, but also a great example of how my mind can shape shift a logical decision to the illogical.
Years ago I bought a dress in LA that I loved. The year was roughly 1991 and it was white with a cute peplum and obnoxiously wild silver buttons. I loved it! It was my favorite article of clothing yet I was scared to wear it. I worried since I'm clumsy that I'd spill and ruin it. I wanted to save it for a special occasion. Years went by and I'd admire it in my closet and never touch it. Finally one day while doing a closet cleaning I took it out and saw it had yellowed with age and was dated looking. I could have worn it once, looked amazing and had the time of my life feeling great in it, and instead I let it die in my closet while wearing worn out shitty clothes. I swore I'd never do that again as I'd learned a valuable life lesson. But as happens so often in life, the lesson was short lived and I see I'm once again holding onto things for some special moment that never happens, instead of enjoying them now.
When I was first married we were going to dinner, I walked out of the bedroom and my (ex) husband said, "What are you wearing?! We aren't poor! You have a closet full of clothes that is triple what most people have, and then you dress like you're homeless half the time!". He wasn't wrong.
Getting started was hard so I texted a few friends for support, lit a "self love" candle and got to work. While clearing things out I found it interesting that the things I truly loved I put on nice hangers and the stuff I hated on crappy ones. Yet was still holding on so tightly. I said repeatedly to myself, "You have enough. More than enough. Maybe even too much. You're safe. You will be OK."
My back is aching but 4 garbage bags later it's done. I have no illusions that I won't have to do this again. Clothing makes me feel safe so I buy to calm myself many times. It's primal on many levels. I also acknowledge the old sadness that comes up thinking about when I had holes in my clothes (not to be cool) and no way to get more. I remember stealing 2 bras from J.C. Penney's at 16 years old because I desperately needed them and I knew my mother didn't have the money. I can still feel the pain of not getting new school clothes my senior year, and walking into a new school feeling less than everyone.
I also breathe deeply and acknowledge how much I have now and that those days are done. I made it through this moment.
No comments:
Post a Comment