Speaking up for myself

When you meet me I come off as loud-mouthed, extroverted, opinionated and a bit of a bad ass. This is definitely the persona I mostly like but all is not as it may appear. I am all these things and speak out for others without a second thought, but when it comes to myself I'm much more of a coward. I cringed as I typed the word "coward", as I didn't see that coming yet it's true. I fear speaking out for myself as I'm scared of what may be said back to me. I am scared of criticism. I don't like conflict that's about me. Attempting to speak up for myself can paralyze me.

So speaking up, speaking out and demanding respect has been a current goal. 

So how did I wind up here? 

As a child I spoke up for myself all the time. I was the oldest with two younger brothers and would rage at any injustice to me. And there were many. Growing up Evangelical Christian meant a set of expectations were on me being female that my brothers didn't have to abide by. And frankly everything about me was what I wasn't supposed to be. (I feel like I've told this story before but it's relevant to the post.) Once my father and I were in a heated battle with my brothers looking on. We were going head to head batting bible verses back and forth as we both tried to prove ourselves right. I was spanked for not knowing verses, and expected to know extremely long passages at a young age, so even with my father's doctorate in ministry, he still wasn't a match for me. At one point it hit me that I'd never be heard. I sat back, laughing, and said, "You know what, Dad? You love that I'm this way. Only you wanted this in your sons but not your daughter." He said, "Yep!" I said, "It sucks to be you then!" 

While I back down in friendships, even when hurt, the worst of it is when it involves male attention. Yes, all the Daddy issues. I see myself get repeatedly disrespected in various ways and I stay silent. If I speak up then I'm a bitch, right? They might say something that hurts my feelings if I call them out. So why do I care? Why do I still want their acceptance? (yeah, I said it, and I hate it) 

I feel like at the core of this is a fear of loss. If I tell a friend their actions weren't kind then they might not be my friend. If I tell a date that his behavior isn't respectful and I don't appreciate it, then he'll go away. Be glad they're gone, right?! Yet I feel tears welling up at the thought of losing more. I look at my life and see loss after loss. 

I find myself in this continual push pull of trying to fit in, trying to be what's expected of me, trying to like what others like, and be into the things we're told should make us happy. Yet I'm not like that. I find so often people talk about how they are "weird" and I think of how they are actually so normal and boring. I can sit in a corporate meeting and be appropriate, and I'm not weird in the wild creative artist way, but I'm just eccentric enough to feel on the outside. 

Yet I am speaking up through a trembling voice (thankfully not seen through text) and with my head held high. And I've met amazing new people who are supporting me and uplifting me and letting me feel it's OK to be me. Possibly, just maybe, my calling and life isn't to have a tribe by my side but to show how to do it alone (with a few cheerleaders on the sidelines).