Pretty

"How's my pretty girl this morning?" were the words I woke up to one day from the man I was dating. I melted. I cried. I struggled to breathe. The word "pretty" has always been elusive and hurtful for me. I wasn't told I was pretty growing up. My father made sure I was well aware of where my level of beauty stood in his eyes, lacking, and it cut me to the core. Sure I'd get the occasional "cute" but "pretty" felt out of my grasp and impossible. While that text sent me into an orbit of elation and happiness he never said it again. After I'd gushed about how happy it made me, it felt as if I'd instead been teased with what I'd so desperately wanted and crushed.

Sure beauty is fleeting and in no way to measure of how wonderful of a human you are, but when you've never been the pretty one there is a special sting that can take you from self worth to humiliation in a blink. Once I was at a friend's house and there were about 4 other girls there, we were in our teens and her father started commenting to each girl about how she could be a model, and then he got to me and stopped talking. Now I certainly knew I wasn't model material but tears will still well up for me when I recall my little 14 year old self locking my jaw and holding back the sobs. Not pretty.

Interestingly enough I've aged decently well (genetics and great face cream) and my ex-husband (we were married at this time) once said that I'd gotten much better looking with age. Sort of a compliment with a side of shit thrown in the face. Single now and dating I find I get the "sexy" compliment all day long. Who doesn't want to be told they are sexy? Sure I do, but yet when I hear it I mostly don't hear "pretty". 

Katie Makkai did a spoken word piece years ago that I've listened to at least twice a year. It has been viewed 3,714,425 times showing I'm not the only one needing to hear it. She ends with what I aspire to be, what I want to want, and hating that this one fucking word can ruin a grown ass woman such as myself.  She says, "The word pretty is unworthy of everything you will be and no child of mine will be contained in five letters. You will be pretty intelligent, pretty creative, pretty amazing. But you will never be merely pretty".

Fuck pretty. Do I still want to be pretty? Yeah...