Walking Away

Driving in my car this afternoon, enjoying that new car smell, jamming to my car ride playlist, while staring too much in the rear view mirror in fear I'd be hit again, I randomly thought how I'd like to show my father my car. My father is dead. And I wouldn't actually want to see him if he were alive. Cars were about the only thing I would be applauded on (yeah, something I have nothing to do with except pick it and pay for it) and that wouldn't cause a fight. The story of my father and I is for another time but I'll simply say I walked away at the end. I stayed silent in times I would have lost my mind with all I wanted to say, and I stepped back.

My view of myself is the polar opposite of someone who would walk away from anyone. I would typically say that I stay out of obligation and fear, I don't set boundaries and am walked on more than myself walking away. Yet looking back I've walked away from many people and situations that were hurting me. Perhaps I'm stronger than what I believe I am.

Had an old friend email me a month ago reaching out to reestablish our connection and friendship. She said how she'd been thinking about me and what a good friend I was to her. I read the email with my stomach in knots as I felt blindsided and an obligation to respond. I walked away from her because she wasn't a good friend to me. Each time we met there would be a question about my job, which she didn't hide that she looked down on, or rips on my husband. The critique of my husband especially hurt as I didn't disagree with anything she was saying, but wasn't asking for advice or commentary. I've avoided responding and am unsure if I should stay silent or tell her the blunt truth. For now I've simply walked away.

I lost two significant friendships in the last year. In each it would be up for debate as to who walked away first, but I stayed away so I'll own that part. I would have called these two people some of my best friends, one I referred to as a sister, but through extenuating circumstances it was revealed that they were really only on my side when I was in obedience to their wishes and there was a massive amount of imbalance. I tend to allow myself to be stepped on over speaking up for myself. It's painful but I can walk away.

I recently walked away from a relationship that was causing me sadness, hurt and also a ton of happiness. You can't love someone out of dysfunction. Not even yourself. The aftermath had me reeling but I'm starting to make peace with my choices. I now send this person vibes of love when I hear of how they are slandering me. It broke my heart but I can walk away.

Walked away from a 22 year marriage. Walked away from a close relative who crossed a serious boundary and that has resulted in me not having a Christmas with my family for 2 years. Walked away from situations that were no longer serving me. It can shred me but I can walk away.

Though in all this I wasn't walking away from a significant issue and that was me. I was as much of the problem as they were. I am taking a deep look at why I've allowed others to obliterate my boundaries. I'm facing the shadow side of me that enjoys intense drama. I'm learning to be my own advocate, supporter and fan without the acknowledgement of anyone else. I'm walking away from the me I no longer want to be.