Lets start with me hating everything about my birth name: first, middle, last...all plain and boring. Nothing unique, sassy or fun. Run of the mill. In junior high I played with changing the spelling of my name. Taking "ly" and making it "leigh" or other obnoxious ways of being anything but what my parents named me. I even had a bar name: Sasha. I loved Sasha; she was pretty, fun, quirky and special. And she sure didn't have a name that would blend into the woodwork.
Roughly nine years ago I created a Facebook alias page to fuck with my old cult church without them knowing it was me. (Wrote a blog about them for years as well.) My name was what would have been my son's middle name, had he been a girl, and my grandmother's maiden name. It was a name that flowed, was cute and sounded oh so southern. I loved it. My ex husband said how I expressed myself on that page was "the real you unfiltered" and he was right. I would speak bluntly, rudely and without a care as I was careful as to who knew the page was mine. Unfortunately Facebook figured out it was a fake and took it down but not before I reclaimed the name for myself.
When I got divorced three years ago I noticed on the forms that you could choose a new name...any name you wanted! Though I really wanted a new first name I knew that it would never stick. I struggle enough with people shortening my name as it is much less calling me something completely different. I'd seen my mother try to change her first name legally years ago and everyone still calls her by her birth name. I didn't want my father's name and I didn't want to keep my ex-husband's and it hit me that my Facebook alias name was what I loved and wanted.
My mother is on her fourth husband and changed her name every fucking time she married, even going back to her maiden name at one point. This was, and is, discombobulating for me. I frequently find myself having to think twice before saying her name as so many are in my head. I didn't want my son to experience any of that so I went to him first when considering my name change. I said, "I want to change my name but if it would bother you to have a different last name than me then I won't change it." He said, "Well what would it be?" I told him I would keep my first name and my Facebook alias name would be my middle and last names. He was one I allowed on my alias page and he said, "It's perfect!". I needed no other opinions so I proceeded with the name change.
I love my new name. Well still not thrilled with my first name but when you put it together with my new middle and last names it works. This may sound sweet and even a little adventurous but there's more to the name story. My grandmother, who I loved and adored, was also one of my abusers. (taking a deep breath after typing that sentence) I was the only granddaughter and the first grandchild born so I felt special with her. When Clinique would have a special gift set for spending a certain amount of money, she always made she I received one. Some of my fondest memories are of her and my great grandmother putting lotion and powder on my at their dressing table and telling me what it was to be a southern lady. She was the only grandparent that paid any attention to me or seemed to care that I existed at all. Yet there was the abuse.
I'll speak about the abuse in my next post and simply say that to take her name is to reclaim it for myself. To take her name is to say what happened didn't define me...I define me. I took her name as my own as the one still living.
Owning every experience, every memory and piece of my life.
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