Shadow Work - Part I

For the past year or so I've heard friends talk about doing "Shadow Work", and though interested, I largely ignored it. 

"Your Shadow holds all your fears, mistakes, anxieties and darkest thoughts. It wants everything that you were never allowed or too afraid to have - even forgiveness." ~ Anonymous

Fuck.

See why I avoided this?

In a first attempt at this difficult work, I read a reminder on Shadow Work that hit me full force: It Erupts as an Overpowering Rage, some Indiscretion or Behavior that slips past us. Ouch. What immediately came up for me, and something I loudly denied, was that I like to start shit. I like drama. I like to blow things up even to my own detriment. This isn't pretty, and I'm feeling the immense shame, but I see it and can no longer deny it.

So in the name of change and doing better; what do I get from this? It's said no matter what we are doing if we continue we're getting something from it. First thoughts go to the drama and craziness of my formative years, and though this is a stressful way to live, I'm used to it. I know how to manage it so I repeat the cycle, even though so many of these things happened long ago. I also see a childish part of me that stomps her little foot and says, "I do what I want!". Now I am leaning hard into doing exactly what I want and not people pleasing, but clearly when I knowingly throw gas on the fire I'm not acting out of a healthy and secure place. 

I see a lot of anger here (actually hurt), where instead of using my big girl words and saying what I'm feeling, I do something potentially explosive. When I've been asked, "Why would you do that? You knew what could happen." I've given amazing reasoning, and though my answers had truth, the bottom line is this is my dark side I've avoided.

Many mistakes were made.

I feel a huge weight on my heart at this moment as I ask myself, "What now? You can't change a single thing." I was talking to a friend about my latest shit show of my own creation, and her words were insightful, "How about this isn't right or wrong? There was something you wanted to learn here so you did what would give you that information." She's right as I do learn from these moments (though by all appearances it would seem I learn nothing), yet I'd like a way to gain the knowledge without being seen as someone who lacks control and forethought. 

Doing the grueling works which can feel embarrassing, shame-filled and impossible. Yet looking forward even when falling back. All in hopes that one day this dark side of me will be tamed and no longer find intentionally created chaos comforting and appealing.