Controlling the Conversation

Everyone that's made it out of preschool knows you'll be talked about in this life.  There will be lies.  You will be spoken about from their perspective.  You will be cut down, made fun of and mocked.  The old saying goes, "Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me."  I'd say throw a stone at me any day because words can slaughter me.  We comfort ourselves saying we don't care, ignore the haters, be above it...but come on...it hurts.  

Speaking of stones, and the owners of glass houses that should not be throwing them; do I talk shit about others?  All the time.  We could probably say daily.  I feel justified though because "I'm only telling the truth!" "They won't know!" "They say far worse about me!" So is karma kicking me in the ass when I can't take what I've dished out?

I have a coworker who I butt heads with constantly.  I rip on her to anyone who will listen.  Why can't I just shut up?  It's partially to vent; I'll go to other coworkers who experience the same thing to get their confirmation that it's not just me.  I'm angry at her actions and have nowhere to place the anger except with words.  I can even own that I get enjoyment from it.  It's a passive aggressive way to "get back" at her while she knows nothing.  Sadly in this situation if it weren't for her awful work actions, we have a ton in common and could potentially be great friends.  

When my parents divorced my father pretty much went door to door talking about my mother.  He wanted it known that the divorce was her fault and he was "innocent".  He did this without care or thought as to how it would affect his children.  He was a pastor at the time, and stepped down from his role due to the divorce.  Between the things he said, and typical church gossip, the stories took on a life of their own.  At one point I heard it said that my mother and I were hookers (I was 15) and I was doing coke.  To take the weight and pain out of what was said I would reply, "You could at least pick the drugs I'm on!" (I smoked pot.) I broke down when no one was watching.

During my own divorce I know my (ex) husband said a lot about me.  He shared things that were personal. He wanted me to be the bad guy and for everyone to be on his side.  We've since reconciled all this and get along great.  But I am still haunted by people, many unknown to me, who have information about me.  I get bothered by what they think they know and that a piece of me is out there that I can't get back.

With all of this, and many more moments, I have a huge need to control the conversation. I want to defend myself.  I want to be right.  I want it to be fair.  I don't want my secrets revealed.  I want you to shut the fuck up. 

Yet control is an illusion and impossible.  People will hate you for no reason.  They will hate you for good reason.  Your secrets will be told to hurt you.  Your vulnerability and honesty will be used against you. And you will do all of this to others as well.

So what would happen if I somehow found the strength to let their words roll off of me?  What would happen if I stopped talking shit as well? 

I have shameful secrets I think I will one day expose here because I know others suffering need to hear they aren't alone.  What stops me is the fear of what others will say, how they might laugh, how they might view me, how I can't control the conversation once the words are said.  

Looking for freedom from them and from myself.