I'm a few hours off of being under anesthesia so this post may be a bit convoluted and off kilter. Just need to get the words out that are scrambling through my brain. And really...aren't all my posts actually this way? 😊
I had a colonoscopy this morning. Nothing wrong; just one of those age appropriate preventative checks. Before going in for it I was pretty vocal about not looking forward to the "prep" (sitting on a toilet all day). I was told I shouldn't be talking about it. Many made faces and said nothing. Now admittedly one of the times was at a meal so my timing was definitely off. What was most clear was this was an off limits subject. This was something to be said only in certain company. Yes, most of us will go through it at some point but I was supposed to be a bit more subtle about this.
I've found when it comes to the human body there are societal norms of what we should talk about and what we shouldn't. What we should feel sorry for and what we mock. What are appropriate conversations and what should be said in more hushed tones, if at all.
It always, and I do mean always, comes down to is it considered sexual or not. Thankfully with enough press and discussion, breast cancer isn't a taboo subject anymore. Finally men are encouraged to do breast self exams and talk to their doctors about issues. Yet all things vagina, penis and rectum (and all the parts in between) are still body parts that can elicit embarrassment, shame and nervous laughter. Side jokes about prostate exams, a woman not wanting to have sex is frigid and God forbid a man have erectile dysfunction. 43% of women and 31% of men have reported (again, only those saying it) some form of sexual dysfunction...would you be willing to talk about that the way you would a hamstring tear or needing a root canal?
So we don't talk about it. We hide it from medical professionals because we don't trust their responses. We don't mention it to friends because we fear them not understanding. Or what's happening or not happening is simply "gross" so it's easier to stuff it away than face it. But why are these things disgusting? Why is our normal human body function (or dysfunction that could be helped) something to be ashamed of?
Well we learned this growing up and some of us got it worse than others. We're born naked without a care in the world and then at a certain age (determined by your upbringing) we were told we had to cover up. We began to be told what was appropriate to say out loud and what needed to be silenced. In many religious upbringings there was intense shame around anything sexual outside of marriage and this included those same body parts which are used for many other things!
I wasn't able to complete my colonoscopy today because I wasn't "cleaned out enough". (About to go TMI so move along if your delicate eyes can't take reading this.) I've had chronic constipation for 22 years to an embarrassing level. If I did tell anyone it was as a self deprecating joke. It started with pregnancy and then I later went on to make things much worse with my eating disorder by severely abusing laxatives. Between the laxatives and clear liquid diet yesterday (felt like starvation) it was an eating disorder trigger zone and mind fuck for me. I should have had what they called a Double Prep but I hadn't told anyone about my issues. I did everything I was told and coming up on 11pm last night nothing much had happened. I knew I was in trouble but was hoping it would work out. So why couldn't I just say to the doctor that I have a shit ton of problems with my intestinal system!? (All puns intended...) Shame. Fear. Embarrassment. All over something every mammal does.
I have more to say on this subject in multiple areas. But I'm groggy from being under and need to end this here. So why don't we talk about these things?
Everyone that's made it out of preschool knows you'll be talked about in this life. There will be lies. You will be spoken about from their perspective. You will be cut down, made fun of and mocked. The old saying goes, "Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me." I'd say throw a stone at me any day because words can slaughter me. We comfort ourselves saying we don't care, ignore the haters, be above it...but come on...it hurts.
Speaking of stones, and the owners of glass houses that should not be throwing them; do I talk shit about others? All the time. We could probably say daily. I feel justified though because "I'm only telling the truth!" "They won't know!" "They say far worse about me!" So is karma kicking me in the ass when I can't take what I've dished out?
I have a coworker who I butt heads with constantly. I rip on her to anyone who will listen. Why can't I just shut up? It's partially to vent; I'll go to other coworkers who experience the same thing to get their confirmation that it's not just me. I'm angry at her actions and have nowhere to place the anger except with words. I can even own that I get enjoyment from it. It's a passive aggressive way to "get back" at her while she knows nothing. Sadly in this situation if it weren't for her awful work actions, we have a ton in common and could potentially be great friends.
When my parents divorced my father pretty much went door to door talking about my mother. He wanted it known that the divorce was her fault and he was "innocent". He did this without care or thought as to how it would affect his children. He was a pastor at the time, and stepped down from his role due to the divorce. Between the things he said, and typical church gossip, the stories took on a life of their own. At one point I heard it said that my mother and I were hookers (I was 15) and I was doing coke. To take the weight and pain out of what was said I would reply, "You could at least pick the drugs I'm on!" (I smoked pot.) I broke down when no one was watching.
During my own divorce I know my (ex) husband said a lot about me. He shared things that were personal. He wanted me to be the bad guy and for everyone to be on his side. We've since reconciled all this and get along great. But I am still haunted by people, many unknown to me, who have information about me. I get bothered by what they think they know and that a piece of me is out there that I can't get back.
With all of this, and many more moments, I have a huge need to control the conversation. I want to defend myself. I want to be right. I want it to be fair. I don't want my secrets revealed. I want you to shut the fuck up.
Yet control is an illusion and impossible. People will hate you for no reason. They will hate you for good reason. Your secrets will be told to hurt you. Your vulnerability and honesty will be used against you. And you will do all of this to others as well.
So what would happen if I somehow found the strength to let their words roll off of me? What would happen if I stopped talking shit as well?
I have shameful secrets I think I will one day expose here because I know others suffering need to hear they aren't alone. What stops me is the fear of what others will say, how they might laugh, how they might view me, how I can't control the conversation once the words are said.
Looking for freedom from them and from myself.
I've been playing with a few posts but while writing they weren't resonating with me. Nothing seems to be working. Saw a dumb Facebook game where instead of them telling you things you should write (Ex - Favorite Color?, Where were you born?, Etc.) you list 10 things about yourself no one knows. Interesting and Raw. I was going to do it on Facebook but decided my blog is a better place and felt safer. If you know me decently well you'll know some of these but I'm hoping everyone gets a few surprises.
1.) I'm Danger-Prone-Daphne (Scooby Doo reference for you young'uns). If you can fall into it, over it, on it....then it's happening to me. Amazingly I've only broken 1 bone (a finger) as I get hurt all the time. I can perfectly sync up with a line dance, walk off the dance floor, trip on air and splat on my face.
2.) I have an eating disorder. The clinical name is EDNOS (Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified). I like to say it's the one that doesn't end in a sexy A (anorexia, bulimia, orthoexia, etc...). I like to say I'm a good 85% cured on a good day. One author wrote "It's like someone who hurt their leg, they learn to walk again, but every now and then you detect a limp." I believe those of us in recovery need to speak openly about it so others can release their shame and get help.
3.) I smoke weed every day. I have multiple conditions that would qualify me for medical marijuana but I've never been certified. The cost of getting certified is ridiculous, and the quality I get is also medical. So why would I give them money for certification if I can use that on more weed? (Uh...because what you are doing is illegal...) I feel strongly weed should be legalized and I'm vocal about it. Probably too vocal.
4.) I have a medical condition called seronegative spondyloarthropathy (and I'm incapable of pronouncing that last word correctly). How it was explained to me is "you have all the symptoms of an autoimmune disease but it's not showing in your blood work". In constant pain every day, all day. I get a small break in my pain each night once I'm off work, home from yoga, not driving, just before I go to bed. This is the primary reason I use weed (not the only...I won't kid you).
5.) I used to be a pastor's daughter. Hated it! Whenever someone finds out they love to lower their voice and make some comment about being a "bad pastor's daughter". (oh wow...you're so original...) I've thought about this a lot, as I certainly wasn't reading my bible and listening to Michael W. Smith. The things I did which would have been considered "rebellion" were really just exploring. I'm a naturally curious person. I'll try most things once. There was never peer pressure for me as I already wanted to do what they were offering. I never thought about acting up or being troublesome....I just wanted a big life.
6.) I'm Agnostic / Atheist. Raised Evangelical, forced to say the "Sinners Prayer" around age 5 (and asked big questions that they couldn't answer at this same age), hated it but had so much fear of burning in hell that I stayed another 35 years. Releasing Christianity was one of the scariest and freeing days of my life. I will some day write more about this but it's too long a road for me to go down right now.
7.) When I got divorced I changed both my middle and last name. And my last name isn't my maiden name. My new middle name would have been my son's middle name had he been a girl. My last name is my grandmother's maiden name. I was using these names together as an alias to rip on my old cult church and to fight with strangers online. My friends were all Facebook friends with my alias and knew it was me, and this included my son. When I was deciding on the change I asked him if he'd be upset if we had different last names (my mother has been married 4x and the constant name change got to me). He said, "Depends on what it is". I told him it would be my Facebook alias name and he said, "Perfect!" so that was all I needed to do it. The new name brings new freedom and owning of my life.
8.) I have a bunk ass degree - Bachelor of Science in Natural Health. Online college, not accredited with anything, yet it seemed aligned with what I wanted at the time (also during the height of my eating disorder). I have the degree (if we can call it that) framed and don't know what to do with it. It's worthless and brings me shame.
9.) Calling a Customer Service line scares me. I have no idea why. It can be something simple, fixable, easy and yet I will procrastinate to a ridiculous level. I know through therapy I have an over-arching belief with everything of "I'm going to be in trouble" (now this is typical pastor's daughter). In all reality I've never been in trouble. A couple speeding tickets, late bill or two, never fired...so no need to be in terror over a phone call. I've even considered paying people to call for me. It brings me that much anxiety. (I would never be a "Let me speak to your manager!" Karen)
10.) I don't believe in Soul Mates. And frankly I find people that use the term to be smug and obnoxious. I believe people can be much better matched together than with others. I believe it's both being lucky and making good choices. I believe it's work. But when I hear something refer to another as "my soul mate" I have to run to the bathroom to puke.
Care to share yours?
*Picture is me with my first bible
