Am I honest?

I have a lifetime of priding myself on my honesty.  I like to joke that my best quality is that I'm honest and my worst is that I'm really honest.  But am I?  How often do I smile sweetly when I want to rage on a person?  How many times have I said to myself that everything is fine when I was dying inside?  I stay silent to avoid conflict.  I let things go that I shouldn't because I don't want to face the truth of a situation.  I avoid my feelings when facing the truth would force an action I don't want.  So am I honest?

I stayed in my marriage decades longer than I should because telling the truth about it would make me the bad guy.  I pretended I was fine because when others would find out it about it they became a little too interested, gossipy, I felt like a soap opera they where you enjoy watching the drama.  The full truth said out loud would have forced me to act.  So I went numb to not have to deal with it.  So am I honest?

I recently lost a friend when I got honest.  The honesty was not in merely saying how I felt to this person, but also personally accepting the dysfunction in our relationship, and how my silence was a key contributor in this.  Now they will tell you an entirely different story, and they are welcome to that, but in my story it all fell apart when I got honest.  So am I honest?

I'm too terrified of bad karma to do anything dishonest in a monetary way; taxes, payroll, etc... But what about that yoga Groupon where I went to 1 class, they didn't mark redeemed, and now I still have the face value after it expired?  What about the item from Target that was in my bag but wasn't rung up or on the receipt?  What about the gift card I found on Walmart's floor on Black Friday where I didn't ask if anyone dropped it and pocketed it?  So am I honest?

My father was brutally honest; heavy emphasis on the brutal.  He would constantly hurt people by telling them the truth as he saw it.  His favorite commentary was physical appearance; how beautiful or ugly he considered a person, if they weighed an ounce more than he deemed appropriate, race, height...everything was up for his scrutiny and judgement.  I never wanted to be like him so I can't imagine making demeaning comments to another person about how they look.  This means I've lied.  So am I honest?

My biggest honesty issue is how honest I am with myself about my feelings: when I'm hurt, when I'm scared, when I'm angry... I smile and say, "I'm fine.  Everything is fine.  All fine."  So am I honest?