Most people don't know how to handle a damaged person. They tiptoe with their words, they give horrific advice that was never requested or worst of all they pretend it didn't happen. We all get broken a bit but some of us more brutally than others. It can be uncomfortable being around someone who has been shattered. Some take everything personally while others go numb. We form our survival tactics and hold onto them dearly for fear of being wounded again.
In the name of self-awareness, recovery and processing; I'm very open about what has happened to me. I have no trouble telling in graphic detail what has occurred but I'm guarded as the average person can't handle hearing it. I've learned not everyone is safe. Hearing, "Well okay then...", with a look of horror and careful eye roll, is much more painful than the person simply shutting the fuck up. Sometimes I think people don't want to hear it as it forces them to face their own agony. I also think there is a level of selfishness in wondering if I'll now lean on them, share more or need their help.
Yet my openness is not fragility. I've created a strong core group of people around me who love me as I am and cheer me on daily saying, "You are a bad ass bitch!". This has been more healing than all the therapy, crying, writing and support groups of my life. I am a bad ass bitch and if you don't serve my life, accept me flaws and all, then you also aren't going to be allowed to experience how amazing I am. I stayed small for many years but now I'm burning this mother fucker down and rising stronger than ever.
So if you're doing the hard work and facing your demons, then please walk this road beside me. If my pain is too much for you then you won't be able to handle the best of me either. I'm resilient as fuck and riding this roller coaster screaming with hands up. You should join me....if you dare.
In yoga we look to find the balance between effort and ease. While practicing yoga, and mindfulness, I've come to realize my focus in most things is all about effort. Instead of fully appreciating the moment my mind is racing ahead to survive and avoid pain. Yet living this way causes more pain. In my yoga lineage there is a saying, "How you do one thing is how you do everything." I'm seeing this is true for me. I power through life with little regard for what my own self-care, protection and comfort.
I will curl up in a ball on the couch when I'm cold instead of doing the obvious thing and grabbing a blanket. I'll get a migraine because my ponytail is too tight instead of letting my hair down. I walk alone in the dark. I freeze my hands though my gloves are in my pockets. I'll force my muscles and endure what I don't have to endure rather than taking the time to warm them up. Faster, harder, stronger and sure don't show weakness.
I do this with people too. I'll allow rude things to be said to me to avoid the conflict of confrontation. I'll let toxic people drain me instead of setting boundaries. I put everyone else first because I don't know how to say what I need. I suck it up, stuff it down and try to hide the agony. I knew I could take the discomfort and it felt easier than facing another's displeasure with me.
Yet in the past year I've been working on releasing what no longer serves me. Getting rid of items that trigger bad memories. Walking away from friendships, relationships and family members that make me feel small and worthless. Noticing when something doesn't feel right and making the adjustments so it's OK for me. The hardest is taking out old ideas about myself; who I am, who I'm not and what the truth really is.
Putting myself first is new to me. I've hurt people, though unintentionally, by doing what is best for me. At this stage in my life I don't want to force it anymore. I don't want unnecessary pain so I can remain on another's good side. It's my turn. I want every moment to count, to be what's best for me and to bring joy. If it doesn't serve, no matter the cost or length of time it's been in my life, it needs to go.
“There is a story of a woman running away from tigers. She runs and runs and the tigers are getting closer and closer. When she comes to the edge of a cliff, she sees some vines there, so she climbs down and holds on to the vines. Looking down, she sees that there are tigers below her as well. She then notices that a mouse is gnawing away at the vine to which she is clinging. She also sees a beautiful little bunch of strawberries close to her, growing out of a clump of grass. She looks up and she looks down. She looks at the mouse. Then she just takes a strawberry, puts it in her mouth, and enjoys it thoroughly. Tigers above, tigers below. This is actually the predicament that we are always in, in terms of our birth and death. Each moment is just what it is. It might be the only moment of our life; it might be the only strawberry we’ll ever eat. We could get depressed about it, or we could finally appreciate it and delight in the preciousness of every single moment of our life.”
― Pema Chödrön, The Wisdom of No Escape: How to Love Yourself and Your World
When you are a perfectionist a moment is never actually over. Once the time has come and gone the playback begins. All conversations are recalled over and over and over. You think back to what you said and worry about every possible mistake. You think about the words said back to you; inflection, nuance, and what wasn't said are analyzed on repeat. Texts, emails, laughing too loud, too much, too little, your every move plays back on the movie screen in your head as you watch in horror at all your perceived flaws and mistakes.
You would think this extreme level of self-critique would paralyze me but it usually doesn't. I will still jump on stage with glee and look for the attention I adore. I laugh, have fun and will be the life of the party. I walk the earth with an "I do what I want" attitude. It's not until I'm alone and still that it all replays and I curl up in a ball cringing.
Even a positive interaction can begin the playback cycle. There is this need to relive it and see what you did right. But after the joy of the moment the playback turns negative. You start looking for flaws, mistakes and may even perceive what was good as now bad.
This is all a PTSD response for control and survival. I've thought back many times to when this began for me and I think it was something that progressed over time. I have a deep neural pathway that tells me I need to play it all back in order to be safe and live. I meditate, do yoga, breath work, essential oils and any other trick I can think of but it doesn't stop the thoughts from coming. Distraction helps but when I'm alone and still the reply in my head becomes deafening.
In the midst of a playback moment last week I made an interesting observation. Without going into details there was a person who left my life after a bizarre incident. The entire moment left me dumbfounded so as part of the playback I shared the story with friends looking for input. I found that the women tended to ask what I had done, didn't do or said. I heard, "Well clearly you did something!" repeatedly. The men either laughed or said I'd done nothing wrong and don't even think about it anymore. Though I was thankful this person was out of my life the playback continues. I try to make the illogical logical.
It's exhausting beyond words to function with your mind on hyperdrive. It's immensely painful to wake up at 3am with a headache because the thoughts turn to dreams that terrify you. I feel shame when I'm told I need to stop knowing damn well I can't.
