What exactly do I have to explain to you?

I opened my mailbox to find a paper saying I was officially divorced during the solar eclipse on August 21, 2017.  23 years together, 22 married and all that was left was a piece of paper saying "Not anymore!!".  I made the right decision.  I knew that.  Yet I was overwhelmed with fear and uncertainty.  Took a deep breath, bit my lip and went on, as survival means not showing weakness.  Went to the Lady Gaga concert, got wasted and puked on my friend's shoes (as one does).  

I literally blew up my life in 2017.  I had no plans to do this.  I simply wasn't happy and began to take active steps towards joy.  Told my husband in March that I was done.  Moved out in late June.  Bought a condo in July.  Divorced in August.  New job in September.  I spent every night on my balcony drinking wine and looking down at three bunnies that played in the grass.  I was immobile and only had energy for minimal action to keep my head up.  

My ex was hurting and posting on pictures on Facebook with his new girlfriend.  People started to notice and the inquiries came in asking what's going on.  I felt defensive.  I felt I was being asked to justify my actions.  What exactly do I have to explain to you? I have 23 years of reasons why I stayed and as many for why I left.  Do you know the energy it takes to have to tell this fucking story again and again!?  I had my childhood best friend call me and I told her what I was able to get out while in tears.  I haven't heard from her since.  Now I did have support and people that held my hand every step of the way.  Yet even with an outpouring of love I felt completely isolated and alone.   

Now the people asking meant no harm and I do know that in my heart.  Yet any questions about my life or choices get me into fight mode.  I'm a child of divorce.  I like to say my parents co-wrote the book "How to be completely selfish and fuck up your child during a divorce."  My father, a pastor, wanted to make sure it was known that he didn't want this divorce and it was my mother's fault.  He pretty much went door to door saying this with no consideration as to how this would devastate his children.  My mother went on to marry 3 more times after that.  So many questions. I found that instead of asking them the questions, people came to me.  I wasn't brought up with healthy boundaries so I never considered not answering or not answering truthfully.  It felt like a continual emotional assault where I was left beaten up and abandoned.  So even well meaning questions get to me to this day.

I'll jump ahead and say that my ex-husband has since thanked me for having the courage to end our marriage.  I never meant him harm and said repeatedly, "Go be happy."  If he needed something I would still be there for him.  

I get compliments frequently on my strength and survival.  I smile and say "thank you" while under my breath whispering "I had no choice."