Catastrophic

I cried all night last night. This isn't a new thing as I've been crying for over a year now. Most nights I fall asleep quickly from exhaustion, waking up every few hours sobbing, while going in and out of sleep. There isn't a moment in my day I'm not fighting tears and it's getting worse. I'd been able to maintain my composure in public, pop a Valium, drink, get high, do anything to hold the feelings down so no one would know. I can't even do that anymore as the pain is overtaking me. 

My aunt died at 51 years old of mental illness. Actual cause of death was never determined, any my mother thinks my uncle talked her into an overdose, but at the core of it all she was deeply broken. She was in and out of mental institutions from a young age and up until her death. Hugely creative as an artist, dancer, and poet, she was also the epitome of the tortured soul who could produce amazing work while living a life of constant inner turmoil. 

My grandmother was like my aunt, though likely a narcissist, and also both my aunt's and my abuser. It hurts me to even tell the truth about her as I have to hold her in tension between what was done to me, and her also being the only person in my life that made me feel special. She'd been abused too. Hurt people hurting people.

When I got pregnant, I was terrified of having a daughter as I feared she'd be like them...and me. I rubbed my belly daily trying to will it to be a boy. I felt like if it was a boy he'd have a fighting chance against our terrible minds, and my father. Tied my tubes immediately after so there was no chance a girl could come from me.

A friend, who also has a long history of mental illness like me, told me, "You're like me. Your baseline is depression and when things get bad and feel uncontrollable, it goes catastrophic." Catastrophic is exactly what I'm feeling. Catastrophic, hopeless, and so emotionally beaten I can't see anymore.

The amount of loss I experienced in this last year has fully taken me out. I feel no one understands that it's not just losing my cat, losing the job I loved, losing the person I thought was the miracle I never thought would happen, it's what it says about my future and hope. And right now, I have no hope. I have done some form of manifesting, intentions, praying, hoping, wishing, my entire life and nothing works out. I'm devastated and don't want to go on. I hate that I have to keep living when I want to hide, run away, and disappear.

Perhaps I'm too broken to ever truly be happy. I've written all the gratitude lists, positive affirmations, and journaled it all down. Decades of therapy. So many medications that left me worse than when I started. I've even tried shaming myself for how good I have it and compare myself to those less fortunate than me...it doesn't stop the tears and pain.

Friends are well meaning but mostly say nothing or give a little sad face. The shame I feel from revealing what is happening to be met with silence is debilitating. I get told "things will get better", "keep fucking going", "you have to...". Memes and reels are sent laughing about how awful dating is, and they do this sitting securely next to their partner, never having experienced what I have, and knowing they have someone to walk through life and turn to when it falls apart. I know it's out of love and care but I'm going to stop talking because the cute cliches are only hurting me. And I do understand there aren't any perfect words here.

I will go on. I wake up, wipe the tears (or keep crying and still going), feed the cats, pay the bills, look for a job, keep my algorithm popping, while I die inside.