I went to bed sober last night. I didn't want to be sober. I didn't want to feel anything. I numb myself so I don't have to experience the pain. Yes, I know that feeling it all is the only way to the other side. I've certainly read enough self-help books, been through enough therapy, and watched enjoy positivity reels to know what needs to be done. The fear is that during this process I won't actually make it out. When I'm not wasted, I'm holding back tears. I hate who I've become. I've lost myself. The losses I experienced last year pummeled me in a way no one really knew about. I'm great at posting smiling pics of me having fun and not talking about what happens when I shut my door, alone, and the darkness starts to take over.
I've done things this year that no one knew about. Told a few people a little bit, but no one everything. Kept it from some of the people who are closest and dearest to me as I was just too ashamed to admit it. I knew the consequences were detrimental to me but at the core of it all I just didn't care. I felt I'd lost so much, and I couldn't bear the weight of it, so I started to destroy myself. While not actively trying to take myself out, there was a part of me that sometimes hoped something would happen so I wouldn't be forced to go on.
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I started this post 5 days ago. Started to write it but it got too dark, and I didn't want to think about it much less write it for others to read...and judge. Waking up each day and doing what needs to be done, while feeling like I was moving through thickness and a fog. The days were going by much too fast and yet I felt immobilized.
Then last night happened. I believe I had the breakthrough I've been looking for my entire life.
I was at a concert I was excited for yet there was going to be someone there I didn't want to run into. Someone that hurt me deeply. Someone I still loved though no one understood why. The full moon energy felt chaotic, and I was on the edge of tipping over. I went with a friend I hadn't seen in a while and before we left I unleashed all that had happened to me in the nearly 2 years since we'd really talked. She saw me. She listened without judgement. She gave me confirmation that though many of my actions were confusing and destructive, they were also understandable coming from my history. She gave me the space that all decisions were mine and she would back and support anything I chose. I calmed.
I felt his energy before I saw him. Random other fears started popping up in my mind: I think I left a candle burning, where are my keys, did I eat too much sugar today, is he looking at me? I've had an anxiety disorder long enough to know this is a trauma response as my mind feel out of control and is trying to stabilize. Took a hit off my weed vape and did some yogic breathing. The show was amazing and both bands had songs with the very specific lyrics I needed to hear.
"I did all I could
So kiss this one more time
'Cause I'm gone for good"
Was it the experience of being there? Was it being able to scream sing those words out knowing he would possibly see me, and perhaps energetically feel it? Was it just a cathartic release for me?
It was more than that. I couldn't sleep when I got home. I felt peace that I'd never felt. Calm yet wired and determined.
"Wrapped in your regret
What a waste of blood and sweat...
I don't wanna take my time
Don't wanna waste one line
I wanna live better days
Never look back and say
Could have been me
It would have been me..."
I started this blog (I know, how early 2000s, but it's a place to dump this shit) 7 years ago to stop being small and no longer tone it down. But I allowed myself not fade, I let opinions of those I loved tear me down, I stop caring about my voice. 5 days ago I was hopeless.
Well I'm back. Clock is ticking and I'm about to make up for lost time.
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