No Safety Net

Old science said it took 21 days to create a new habit. Newer data shows it actually takes around 66 days. I was completely off on both of these dates and thought it was 30 days to get a new habit sealed in or break an old one. I need a reset. I've spent the last 11 months in a personal hell I didn't talk much about. Much of the pain I ran towards. Loss after loss took me out. It's been a long time since I've felt this beaten down but I'm wiping tears and reminding myself I don't have a back up plan, it's all on me, and there's no safety net.

Trying to reclaim my story and not fear my voice anymore. I spoke months ago about losing my voice, then attempted to write again. And after working, trying, and pushing, I lost it once again. I believed those that criticized me must be right, as these were people who at one time said they loved me, and they wouldn't purposefully hurt me. Yet they did.

I've given myself a 30 day challenge to write and post every single day, as a means to ignore the critics, both real and in my head, and say it. As much as I appear to be someone telling all, I hide so much as in my past hiding brought safety. If others didn't know then they couldn't hurt you with their remarks and opinions, likely about something they have never experienced but felt they had so much wisdom on. Yes, I'm bitter.  I have ideas, thoughts, and truths I want to talk about and I find I'm immobilized. Resetting. Forcing my way back to me. 

Last night I saw my old therapist playing in a band. I didn't initially recognize her as it was in such a different context that my brain wasn't putting the pieces together. I realized it was her but only told a few people as there are aspects to the therapy she does that would reveal more about me than I want to share at this time. When I saw her it reminded me of the hiding days. A time when I couldn't trust anyone, as I was Evangelical Christian, and any problems I had were to be prayed away. So I lived in shame and told no one. And the prayers didn't work.

"We heal loudly so others don't die in silence." 

I've been shamed, criticized, and cut down for sharing all that I do. I've been told I lean into being a victim. I've been told doing this is embarassing myself.

I've also been told I say things others have waited their entire life to hear but I was the first person to say it. I've been told that I've helped people get help, get into therapy, and speak out, because I didn't hide it. I've been told my voice is needed, and even if it's not, I need to do this.

It's certainly a delicate line between being openly vulnerable, telling the truth to heal, and feeling sorry for yourself. I walk that line like a tightrope artist. And there's no safety net.