The Chapter

Author's note: This is a personal reflection from a past relationship. Names/details changed.

“There are chapters in every life which are seldom read, and certainly not aloud.” ~ Carol Shields, The Stone Diaries

He wasn't supposed to be only a chapter, a start and a finish, I was convinced this was forever. I can talk about his charm, perfect words, and telling me he loved me within 2 days of meeting me, but the issue is not what he said but that I bought it. We met at an incredibly low point in my life. I'd given up on ever finding someone, after years of dating one wrong person after another, and never falling into what I so desired as everyone around me appeared to be doing. I was numb, acting like nothing mattered, but if you looked closely you could see I was cracking. No one was looking but he was. He became a Facebook friend after seeing my picture on other mutual friends pages. He watched me, saw what I was posting about relationships and being single, and decided to message me. He told me, maybe even on our first date or a message prior, that he could see I was insecure. All the red flags should have gone up but instead I internalized this even tried to think he cared, when he saw my face crumble and said, "but it's cute". This would go on to haunt me until the end.

Within 3 days we were at his pool and he turns to me and says "Want to do a life event on Facebook?" I didn't even know what that meant as I'd come onto Facebook married and hadn't had anyone I would call a relationship, much less one to be publicly announced. He said to change our status to in a relationship. The warning sirens were going off in my head, but I didn't want this moment to end. I didn't want conflict. Having a conversation that this was too soon would spoil my happy romantic moment, so I said yes. He was shocked at how many people liked and commented on the post of our relationship, and I explained I'd never done this so people were happy for me. I later learned this was how he rolled. He told me about a weekend in Duluth with whomever he was seeing (he loved to tell me details of his past lovers though I'd begged him repeatedly to please stop speaking of them) and how they were having such a great time and both said we should change our relationship status. My heart sunk as I realized this wasn't actually special to him at all and just what he did with women. I was alerted that he recently changed his page to saying he was in a relationship, no woman tagged, but just days later said it was over. Not special at all. It's just what he does.

We were a chapter with many starts and stops. It was a sick pattern of extreme blow ups, passionate makeups, all to repeat to the point of emotional exhaustion. This happened many more times than I ever told anyone, as sometimes being reunited only lasted a few days before the fight would begin again, so I stayed silent while stuffing down his words. He called me so many names and said I deserved them. Liar, fraud, fucking insane bitch, were his personal favorites. I walked on eggshells, keeping myself decently buzzed at all times to not show when his words hurt me, and to not acknowledge the truth of what was going on. 

I'm told he's created a new persona, likely to draw in another woman, of being religious and following "God". I'm so glad I was told as I see he's the fraud he claimed I was. It's finally so clear to me. And though I should hate him and be angry, I actually feel very sorry for him. What a sad and sick existence. 

I've started a new chapter. A chapter which doesn't include him. From here on out my chapters get read aloud.