Tell her

Author's note: This is a personal reflection from a past relationship. Names/details changed.

In the end I could tell you'd stopped loving me by the way you fucked me. It was painful. But we were still so hot too. I could feel how you hated me. I'm such a masochist.

We burned so bright we burned out. Remember that lyric? Probably don't.

You wanted to discard me to hurt me. I saw you were on Tinder and didn't say anything. I'd walked by and saw the flame notification come up and my heart stopped. I'd never used your code to unlock your phone, wanted to, but I never did until that morning. I saw the message. She was blonde. I wiped tears and lied when you asked what was wrong. I later learned there were settings changed that kept me in the dark. Clever.

Even so, you won. You destroyed me. You broke me. This must delight you. You must be so happy for that. Probably in love again. I never felt that you really loved me and that's at the core of it all. I fell in love with you but didn't feel you actually loved me. Must have been entertaining to watch me love you and play with my mind. I haven't told anyone how deep it goes. How deep it hurts.

Have fun with whatever latest chick you have. And you always have someone. Call her pretty lady and study her carefully so you can tell her everything she's always wanted to hear. Tell her you could see she was insecure, and when she looks upset, say it's cute. Fuck with her a little to see how much she'll take. If you don't go too far, it will only be a little fight, with a passionate makeup, and then you can go back at it again. Cut her down while complimenting her to keep her off balance and longing for that next dopamine hit. Charm her while making her nervous. Tell her she's perfect, everything is perfect, and if she doesn't believe it then she'll ruin it all. 

It must be so good to be you. Above everyone. All knowing. All it takes is a smile and hey beauty and those weak insecure ones will fall all over it. It's so cute.

I felt you pulled me back for control. It was all a game for you and I'd come back because I loved you. But I'm not a victim. I did all of this willingly. I can only blame myself. My choice to keep longing for you while nothing was ever there.

When we were amazing, we were so amazing. Or maybe it was all in my head. I would have such ridiculous fantasies, especially at the casinos, and most of all in Vegas. Though you'd make sure to tell me before all occasions that I wasn't getting a ring. I knew I wasn't getting a ring but the need to level set expectations prior was a special blow. I pictured you winning big and saying we should get married. We'd buy expensive outfits or do Elvis and the showgirl like in Honeymoon in Vegas, and it would be fun and magical. Instead, I was told I was unlucky, not to pick any machines because when I did you didn't win, and why was I acting sad? 

I felt I would have never been able to please you. I couldn't exhale. If I let my breath out I'd have to accept you didn't love me. I stayed in a state of walking the balance beam wondering when I'd fall. We'd be having a wonderful time and then an accusation would come out of nowhere. Walking on eggshells kept my nervous system in continual panic. 

It felt like you despised me so much in the end, while on Tinder, while fucking me. 

I made coffee one morning and some grounds spilled all over. I'd swept and wiped but missed some. Of course. You started wiping up more and it felt like you couldn't stand me. Yet I stayed. 

I'm not your victim. I danced in the fire though I'm always burned. 

I wonder if we'll look back on our lives and think of each other. Or if it all will fade away like it never happened. I wonder if I'll smile thinking of the perfect moments, I'd always dreamed of but never thought would come true. Or if I'll feel deep sadness and shame that I didn't respect myself enough to stand up to you. 

Maybe some of us never heal. We do the work, we try so hard, but we never make it to the other side. Perhaps the effort just takes the weight off of the injury, like a crutch for your soul. I don't have much time left in life for lessons and nonsense. I'm building my crutch so I can at least go on. 

No one understands why I keep spiraling downward the more time goes by....

I will own my truth though. Even broken, destroyed, and beaten down, I always get back up.