It was 5 years ago today that I walked out on my life. I dove into the unknown without a safety net as the unhappiness was overtaking me. My first night alone I had to sleep on the couch since I didn't have a bed. I laid there with a thin blanket that didn't cover my feet and waited for the sun to rise again. I spent each night on my porch drinking a mock sangria I made from cheap wine and frozen raspberries, ate tortilla chips, and passing out in a lawn chair. I left everything behind as I didn't want my child to experience the pain of having a parent take half of everything. Fully starting over.
I'd love to tell you a sweet tale of how I spent a year working on me, learned to love myself, and found out who I really am. Then one beautiful morning I was taking my walk when this amazing handsome man ran by. His head turned as we went by each other and he smiled. Eventually we spoke and this turned into a whirlwind romance where he proposed to me in Aruba and married in a quaint church on a hill in Italy, surrounded by flowers and a sunset painted by the Gods. I am now so happy that everything happened the way it did and I wouldn't change a thing.
That would be quite a sweet tale.
My story is about mistakes, hard lessons, and heartbreak. Creating a great life but desperately longing for so much more. Of loneliness that blackened the already dark night. Shame that threatened to engulf me. But also moments of strength where I rose above when others thought I'd go under. Hitting a higher level, burning brighter, and finding my voice. I'm making it and have thrived beyond my own hopes.
I like to do intentions of releasing what no longer serves me during a New Moon. As it came up last week I felt a clear focus to burn everything up. Post it notes with positive words for me, writings of my hopes, letting go of people who don't need to be on my path with me. Interestingly enough things fell away on their own. Or was it me? It doesn't actually matter.
Of the things I can control I have created a spectacular life. I'm making it. Alone. Next month I will fly to my bucket list place, Greece, as I do exactly what I want. I had hopes of it looking differently, but as is my favorite mantra "this is how it is now". My cat and I live a life of peace and answer to no one.
And maybe, just maybe, this is perfect.