Cutting My Hair

Getting a haircut is considered to be basic life maintenance for most of us but it's actually daunting for me. I call it my "Sampson Complex". When I was growing up, and most specifically in my teenage years, I wasn't one of the pretty ones but I had great hair. I spend a lot of money creating new looks for my hair, keeping it up, as it still feels like that's all I've got in comparison to other women. I'm gagging at that statement, as I want to be supportive of other women and not in competition at all. Obviously this all comes from a place of deep insecurity that without my hair I'd be lost in the crowd and unseen. 

I used to have long hair and I loved it. Yet over the years, and with a massive amount of processing (damaging it to get the look I want), it's been getting shorter. I've tried growth treatments, potions and such and I can't manage to get the length back. While doing it yesterday I made peace, sort of, that I'm going to have to get more length cut off to regain the health and integrity of it. I spoke to my hairdresser, who I trust implicitly, and said, "I can't look like a dumpy old woman. I can't have it go curly and look like some freaked out caterpillar!" She of course assured me she'd never let this happen, yet I'm so scared I'm wiping tears at this moment.

I don't have a face for short hair. Long hair is how I can hide. Short hair is for the cute little ones who are called adorable and darling. Having great hair made me feel like so many flaws are hidden, though they really aren't. I was on a date recently with a guy I really liked and he made some reference to my body. It was mostly complimentary but I don't accept compliments well so I pointed out a few areas that in my mind needed work. He felt the best reply was to tell me I should call Sonobello (a local body contouring place). I crumbled internally but smiled and nodded at him so he wouldn't know. Roughly 16 years since my eating disorder diagnosis, about 80% recovered on a good day, but these kind of off handed statements can still take me out.

This all goes down tomorrow and I find I'm vacillating between terror of how old and bad I'll need to look as I get my hair healthy, and feeling like fuck everyone. Hormonal PMDD isn't helping matters. This is my weak link. I am strong, powerful, confident and ready to kick your ass, yet this can knock the wind out of me. 

Perhaps this is a necessary moment in my self growth. Taking away my perceived safety net to show who I really am. I fear it's not enough. I'm terrified my self worth won't survive this. 

Thankfully one of my best friends is a wig master so I do have a backup plan.