Uncomfortable Conversations

Tim Ferriss said, "A person's success in life can usually be measured by the number of uncomfortable conversations he or she is willing to have." Ouch. I can't debate this as it makes a ton of sense. I've always looked on with interest at people who are able to have an uncomfortable conversation and be seemingly unfazed by it. I wonder if they were taught how to do this, if it comes naturally to them or is there more I'm not seeing.

The worst conversations for me are ones in which I know I'll potentially, though not intentionally, hurt another person. Even more grueling is when I need to set a firm boundary for myself. We can rehearse our words perfectly so as to cause the least harm and still destroy another. In an uncomfortable conversation the outcome can't be controlled no matter how hard you try as we don't have power over another person's response. 

If you don't know me well you may not suspect this area is a struggle for me, as I'm highly opinionated and love to debate. The difference seems to be in my concern over direct pain to another. While I'm fine with a difference of opinion, even to the point of offending, I never want it to go off subject to make another feel I've purposefully wounded them. 

To have a rational, yet with strong boundaries, uncomfortable conversation means it's about laying down your personal line of respect and allowing another to do the same. I've found when I've avoided one of these conversations that my feelings weren't counted in the potential hurt. Maybe this person hurt me and this is why I should speak but I'd take my own pain over theirs. Putting myself last is a comfortable and agonizing place to be. Dr Phil once said, "when you start setting boundaries with those you haven't set them before, expect they'll push back hard" (paraphrased). This has been true for me every single time I've done it and though it hasn't gotten easier, I'm becoming more skilled each time at seeing that the world didn't end for me to give a hard "No!".

I have a stupid hope that after each conversation that it will be the last one...with anyone...for life. It's illogical but I see it comforts me in those moments when I feel I could surely die from the awkwardness and difficulty of disagreement. My inner empath shrieks that there is danger ahead but I'm learning that feelings aren't fact and I will go on.

I've challenged myself in the coming year to have uncomfortable conversations immediately when an issue arises. I do think my procrastination actually does more harm than good anyway. Transformation is never easy but it's worth it.