A blog post a day for 30 days - Day 18 - You can leave

I was talking to a friend about an event he was attending where I considered it but ultimately chose not to go as I felt it would be triggering and possibly anger me. He said, "Well I figure if I don't like it I'll just leave." I stood there staring at him like he'd just grown a tail before my eyes. "Leave? You paid for it. You told friends you'd go with them. Just leave?" "Yeah....leave." I couldn't wrap my head around it. It had never dawned on me that I could leave. My little miss rebel yell self is actually a rule follower. Don't want to disappoint anyone. Walking away from something I paid for? It fully blew my mind.

How often do I stay and not even acknowledge I want to leave? I attended an all day online yoga event a few weeks ago and was fully committed to doing the whole thing. After about 4 classes I was wiped out, sun was shining and it was a beautiful Saturday. I started the next class and wasn't into it. I was fully checked out. I kept going yet my mind was yelling "You can go!". So I decided I'd run to the store but come back for the end. While doing this I got a flat tire. "Did you know you were driving on a flat?" "Yeah, sort of....". Got stuck at the tire place for over an hour (and why the hell are all of you buying new sets of tires on the first gorgeous Saturday in May?!). So by the time I got back the yoga event was over and I had to sit with what this meant. I had shown online so maybe someone called me out, I could have been asked a question, attendance might have been taken and I was absent. I would never know and couldn't change a thing. (deep breath)

I am taking a workshop tomorrow called "Permission Granted", and admittedly I didn't fully know what I was signing up for. I'm reading a book by the person leading this workshop, price was right, and I'm more than a little impulsive about jumping into things. Received an email last night saying there was some pre-work before the workshop with some questions to ask yourself. 1.) Bring a picture of how your body wants to be seen by you. (Uh...what?) 2.) Who is the person of my body? (I still don't get it.) 3.) What does the person of my body have to say to me? (I don't even understand what you're saying!) Do I even need to say that I'm triggered as fuck?!

I can leave. I can logout without explanation. I don't have to do anything I don't want to do. I can decline speaking or sharing. Leave. 

To even type those words my stomach goes into a knot. I see how little choice I've had all my life, or rather how little I've allowed. I wasn't taught that I could say "No". I'm truly learning the basics of autonomy and boundaries at this late stage in life. In the past three years I've released 3 significant friends in my life, a husband of 22 years, and a long relationship that had become toxic for me. All were incredibly painful experiences. Saying "Yes" to myself meant hurt to others and it still weighs on me though I'm not going back. The thought of intentionally hurting anyone pains me to my core. Yet I couldn't keep them happy and still do what was right for me. So I left.

What do I feel I can't leave behind? Feelings of self hatred which I think fuel my survival. Anger at the past. Shame over my regrets or ways I feel I'm lacking compared to others. Refusing to hope. Staying small.

Yet I am leaving. I leave every time I share something I'd rather hide from everyone. I leave when I say the truth. I leave when I walk through the fires of my perceived inadequacy and live out loud. It may be slowly but I'm leaving.