A blog post a day for 30 days - Day 7 - Boundaries

Though I made the title of this post "Boundaries" it's way too big of a subject to tackle in a simple blog post. So I'm taking this from my point of view, my experience, my story, at this moment.  I also add the disclaimer that I could be wrong about everything and later on change my mind.

I wasn't taught boundaries. As an Evangelical Christian, and a lowly female, I was taught to make everyone happy and say "yes". Everyone was considered above me and I was supposed to comply. Even when I'd rage about it, and fight in my head, in the end I usually did as told. I wasn't taught body autonomy. I wasn't taught that I could say "no" to an adult. Myself as a person, and all that encompasses, felt up for grabs by anyone.

With my highly extroverted and opinionated personality I did butt heads a lot. At one point I would have said I was a rebel as I did challenge people. But with many years behind me I see that I'm actually a rule follower. I'll bend the rules, go around them, reinterpret them in ways to feel like I haven't actually broken them. Yet even with my determined mind, I was slammed back to reality frequently in terms of boundaries.

I don't think I even heard of boundaries until maybe 12 years ago or so. When I did hear it the word sounded like being mean. And how interesting that I would believe that to tell someone they couldn't treat me a certain way, couldn't use me, couldn't touch me, couldn't say horrible things to me, was mean. I still struggle with suffocating my own feelings because I feel to put a person in their place would hurt their feelings and be mean.

Yet my lack of boundaries hasn't always been beneficial. I've seen recently how when I didn't put up a firm, and justified, boundary I actually hurt the other person in the end. Trying to be nice I would get in the way of a lesson they needed. And even if the lesson was painful for them, if they did the work, it could have been life changing. I've had to painfully put up a healthy boundary, definitely hurt the person, but with the true hope that they some day get the lesson.

Being nice is easy. Stuff your feelings, smile, say "it's no big deal", "I'm fine", and then change the subject before shit gets real. Boundaries are hard for me though I'm learning. And with each of my own personal lessons I find that the ground didn't open up and swallow me whole when I did the difficult thing.

I'm studying people with good boundaries. I watch how they interact, how they speak and how they carry themselves. Sometimes I even ask them for help. 

And what's really the bottom line of all these boundaries? It's saying I matter. It's saying I count. It's saying I'm allowed to take up space in this world in the manner that feels safe for me. And it's kind of saying "fuck you" a little, right? :-)