My Body Pain and My Emotional Pain

I've written before about my condition, Seronegative Spondyloarthropathy, which falls under the fibromyalgia umbrella, and the continual body pain I experience.  I lead an active life, smile and laugh a lot, and most days hide the agony I'm in.  I push through where others would probably lie down in defeat.  Now I don't consider my resilience to be any great attribute of mine, but more my anger and denial that this is happening to me and there seems to be nothing I can do.  As I've said in previous posts about this, please don't give me ideas of what you think I should be doing.  I have nearly 30 years of this and I'm well-versed in possible treatments.  

I was reading an article yesterday written by Lady Gaga about her PTSD diagnosis and how it expresses in body pain.  She writes, "when I am unable to regulate my anxiety, it can result in somatization, which is pain in the body caused by an inability to express my emotional pain in words".  This resonates deeply.  

I've been drinking a lot lately.  Self-medicating.  After writing my previous post about watching a friend blow up her life by being with an abuser she married the fucker.  And blocked me.  I'll just leave that there as there is nothing I can do at this point.  I found after writing that post, and witnessing her horrific choices, that I was sobbing on a daily basis.  At first I thought it was hormonal as I do have PMDD (yes, a life of medical acronyms is quite a treat), but it kept going on much longer than it should.  And while normally I can put on a brave face in front of others I was uncontrollably breaking down.  The pain in my body became horrendous which resulted in me trying to numb it more.  I told a few close friends about the crying but not the pain, as being in agony is part of my daily existence.

So though I see a direct correlation between a PTSD trigger and pain, I don't know what to do about it.  As with most things in life, I keep trying new ideas, take what works and leave the rest.  Though some days nothing works.  There are many times the answer is feel the pain.  Feel the emotional pain, feel the body pain and feel the anguish of not being able to do anything else.  All this pisses me off to no end.  Yet it's my reality.  

So I'll wipe my tears, rub some CBD oil on my neck, take a deep breath and face the day.  Failing isn't an option for me.