Witnessing another's self-destruction

Though I do still process my trauma from my past, all in all I'm pretty far along in my healing journey.  Triggers still happen but they don't immobilize me as they used to.  The horrific events no longer overshadow today.  Yet what can bring it all rushing back in vivid color and terror is watching it happen to another person with no way to stop it.  

I currently have two friends dealing with abusive relationships.  One of the two just got out, and though struggling, she's waking up each morning to do the work to get to the other side.  The other is in deep and won't admit to what is right in front of her face.  I've expended way too much energy on this, as she has made it clear she's staying and doesn't want help, yet I can't look away.

My best friend told me "You are allowed to walk away from this.  You do not have to be her savior.  You are allowed to save yourself first."  I agreed, and thanked her for the reminder, but added that when I talk openly about what happened to me, when I share my truth, and the few times I help someone get out, it heals me just a little more.  It's all a delicate balance that I need to observe and stay aware of when I'm helping another or when I'm hurting myself.

I'm well versed in what abuse looks like both from my personal experience as well as hearing the stories of others, helping get protection orders, calling the police and pleading with friends to leave before they are killed.  Abuse is tricky as it's not simply a matter of being punched in the face and walking away forever.  Abuse cycles are well known yet you excuse it away when you are in it as you don't want to believe this could happen to you.

When you watch someone in an abusive relationship it can be maddening to see them ignore this monster's actions.  Though it can manifest in many different ways, in my experience it always starts like this: the victim meets someone and instantly feels they are everything they've ever wanted, claim to be in love before getting to know them, fast relationship status (which sometimes means marriage) and very shortly after the first incident happens.  The first time they are abused they tend to be a bit dumbfounded.  There is cognitive dissonance because this person was supposed to be the soul mate they've always wanted yet their behavior switched on them.  While still in shock, and maybe even ending it briefly, the abuser comes back with words of love, apology, gifts and promises.  The victim wants to believe those things, and not look at the reality of the situation, and goes back once again.  This pattern continues and only intensifies and gets worse with each incident.  The victim needs to hit a rock bottom before getting out....and hopefully rock bottom isn't their death.  

I'm getting flashes of the stories I've heard and what I've seen in my lifetime.  Watching my mother's body fly across the porch as her abuser beat her, hearing a friend tell of having her hand broken by a shovel and while hiding in her bedroom being told, "I'll kill you and dance on your grave.  I'll fuck your mother up the ass.", seeing my coworker come in with more makeup daily to hide the bruises.  In every one of these situations this wasn't the first time, as they all had domestic violence records a mile long.  

To my friend: I wish I'd had the perfect words to convey to you that he's a piece of shit.  I wish you saw your worth and weren't swayed by his lies.  I know you are mad, or at least annoyed, that I'm not falling for his bullshit and continue to call it out.  I know he's isolating you more and more from anyone that poses a threat to him.  I'm terrified for you.  But know this; you aren't alone and I am ready and waiting to help when you finally see that he's an abusive predator.  I hope it's not too late.

To myself: you did the best you could.  When you ultimately hit rock bottom you scratched and clawed your way out.  You've done amazing inner work and should be proud, as so many give up and never try.  You did it.