I Get Derailed Easily

I get derailed easily and fast.  Relatively minor events can send me into a tailspin that spirals me into a dark and lonely place.  Small moments send me back to terrible times and I make associations with the present and past that do not exist.  

I've been looking for a cat for a few months.  I adore cats, and due to my ex-husband hating them, I've been without a cat for many years.  I'm also late 40's, and single AF, so cat lady felt appropriate. I really wanted a black cat.  And I found my perfect little panther named Vixen.  She was shiny black with sparkling blue eyes.  I submitted to adopt her and a home visit was planned.  I started looking at pink cat beds and towers.  I planned where her play area would be.  I dreamed up the Facebook post I would do about her.  I believed I would get her any day. 

The day before the home visit I received a text saying my kitty, Vixen, had been adopted by someone else.  I was never given a heads up that others were in the running before me and I could lose her.  I started out angry but this morphed into hurt.  Friends were trying to comfort me sending me cat pictures of other adoptable cats.  It was just a cat, right?  Yet losing this cat got bigger in my head.  The cat became every major loss I'd experienced.  Not getting her became every situation where I crumbled from disappointment.  "Why?" turned into "Why me?" which descended into "Why is it always me?"  Loneliness overtook me.  I shut off the lights, took a scalding bath, and sobbed for a loss of something I never had.

When this kind of spiral happens it amplifies anything in my life I see as off or wrong.  Headlight out, drain in the bathroom sink is messed up, taxes aren't together, medical procedure I'm scared about. None of these are life-ending things.  Life fucks up every day and these are truly minor inconveniences.  Yet my nervous system was in full survival mode.  Logic couldn't override the feelings.

I know I do this, and I know what experiences happened in my past to trigger these responses.  Awareness helps as I take active steps to pull it together instead of allowing a free fall into despair.  I get exasperated at myself that these "everything is awful" feelings still spring up.  Yet I can't control them.  I can manage them but I haven't found a way to make the thoughts not happen.

Maybe my hope of being a person that can shrug things off and smile is fully unrealistic.  Would any ESFJ, Leo, Type A, PTSD person ever think the glass is half full?  I'm a realist.  Perhaps I can get to a place where I'm content to have the glass at all and not feeling like it's almost empty and I'm dying of thirst.  

Will I ever be healed?

“healing comes in waves, and I'm allowed to feel every rise and every fall of my tide.” ~ Alexandra Elle

Will I ever be healed?  Or perhaps the question is really; will I ever not be broken?  At the end of yoga class today, lying on my mat, I started to cry.  I felt old trauma coming up, issues I've dealt with repeatedly over the years, yet at that moment they were as fresh as when they happened.  This occurs frequently when processing your past, especially a past with a shit ton of nightmares, but it comes in waves.  No two waves are the same in the ocean and it's the same for healing from memories that come back.  Yes, same old fucking issue but taken from a new vantage point, a place of greater strength, a more supportive time.  

I'm not the person I was when these painful instances happened.  I'm new daily.  I'm stronger than I've ever been and see nothing but power on my horizon.  Power over my future, power over my voice, power over who I surround myself with....yet power over the memories, that can bitch slap you out of nowhere, still feels impossible for me to escape.  I've done the therapy, I've done the hard work, but some things run so deep through my soul, truly the core of all I am, that I fear I'll never fully have freedom from the pain.

My yoga teacher spoke about fear in a pose and looking for the escape plan.  I can only feel so much before anxiety and agony overwhelm me and I run for some perceived safety.  On good days I go to yoga, meditate, call a friend, write and get outside a breath.  Good days.  But most days aren't good days.  I also online shop, waste hours on Facebook, drink too much wine, smoke too much weed and stuff myself with sugar.  Don't get worried, my shit is together.  I'm known far and wide for my high level of responsibility.  Yet looking out my window, alone, once I've taken care of the day's tasks, it all comes rushing back.  

As I've said before, I know my words heal.  I know my vulnerability, though truly so limited right now, is what someone needs.  I'm using my suffering for good.  But I'm so pissed.  I'm livid I have to do this.  In the 80's there was a popular song by Moving Pictures called "What about me?" and I felt it was my life's song.  Still do. 

And now I'm standing on the corner, all the world's gone home
Nobody's changed, nobody's been saved
And I'm feeling cold and alone
I guess I'm lucky, I smile a lot
But sometimes I wish for more than I've got

What about me? It isn't fair
I've had enough, now I want my share
Can't you see, I want to live
But you just take more than you give

What about me?
What about me?
What about....me

I feel like I need to put focus on accepting that some things aren't repairable.  Though I can cry the tears and face the world with a smile to mask the pain; some memories will always hurt.  I'm OK though.  Perhaps being broken actually helps weed out the weak people who can't handle adversity and struggle.  Either way....I'll go on.

Finding my voice

If you've ever spent even the smallest amount of time with me, a few things become clear right away.  I'm loud, I'm funny and both of these will increase with each glass of wine I drink.  I've been told repeatedly, especially in work situations, that upon meeting me it was believed that I was intimidating and someone you wouldn't want to mess with.  All the people that have had that impression laugh hysterically once they got to know me and realize I'm actually a bit of a pushover.  My passion and intensity can make me appear angry and mean, when I'm really just expressing myself in big ways.  

All this said; I hate confrontation and rarely will tell someone "You hurt me" "Don't speak to me that way" "What you said isn't OK".  I have a deep fear that they will say something hurtful to me if I'm ever not agreeable and nice.  It's a form of self protection.  Now I will speak boldly and forcefully when I'm defending others.  Just not me.

I had a conversation with a friend recently, can't remember context, but she asked me "And what did he say when you told him you didn't like that?"  I howled laughing and said, "Have you forgotten who you are speaking to?  I didn't say a thing!"  The panic rises in me quickly at the thought of asking for what I need.  You could dare me to do just about anything and it would be easier for me than letting a person know how I need to be treated.

Sure I could therapy this into the next century; but do I really have that kind of time?  I'm so tired of being silent.  It's suffocating me.

Had a situation come up this week which challenged me to speak up.  An old boyfriend made an accusation that I said something and told a friend of mine.  What he said was a complete lie. Now most people would say let it go, silence is a statement, he's not worth it.  All good advice and initially I did nothing.  But it started eating at me.  I wanted to speak.  I wanted to say that what he did wasn't OK.  So I texted him today, and boldly said what he did was wrong and would not be tolerated.  I then blocked him on all social media as his response wasn't needed by me.  Had a panic attack for maybe and minute and then felt strength rising up in me.  I felt more mature, I felt in control and I felt free.  

So I spoke up for myself and the planet kept spinning.  You've been warned....I won't be taking shit any longer. 

Tori Amos Lyrics

Play "Silent All These Ye…" on Amazon Music

"Silent All These Years"

Excuse me but can I be you for a while
My dog won't bite if you sit real still
I got the anti-Christ in the kitchen yellin' at me again
Yeah I can hear that

Been saved again by the garbage truck
I got something to say you know
But nothing comes
Yes I know what you think of me
You never shut up
Yeah I can hear that

But what if I'm a mermaid
In these jeans of his
With her name still on it
Hey but I don't care
'Cause sometimes
I said sometimes
I hear my voice
And it's been here
Silent all these years

So you found a girl
Who thinks really deep thoughts
What's so amazing about really deep thoughts
Boy you best pray that I bleed real soon
How's that thought for you

My scream got lost in a paper cup
Do you think there's a heaven
Where the screams have gone
I got 25 bucks and a cracker
Do you think it's enough
To get us there

'Cause what if I'm a mermaid
In these jeans of his
With her name still on it
Hey but I don't care
'Cause sometimes
I said sometimes
I hear my voice
And it's been here
Silent all these...

Years go by
Will I still be waiting
For somebody else to understand
Years go by
If I'm stripped of my beauty
And the orange clouds
Raining in my head

Years go by
Will I choke on my tears
'Til finally there is nothing left
One more casualty
You know we're too easy easy easy

Well I love the way we communicate
Your eyes focus on my funny lip shape
Let's hear what you think of me now
But baby don't look up
The sky is falling

Your mother shows up in a nasty dress
And it's your turn now to stand where I stand
Everybody lookin' at you
Here take hold of my hand
Yeah I can hear them

But what if I'm a mermaid
In these jeans of yours
With her name still on it
Hey but I don't care
'Cause sometimes
I said sometimes
I hear my voice
I hear my voice
I hear my voice

And it's been here
Silent all these years
I've been here
Silent all these years