Performative Vulnerability

I was seen recently in a way I didn't want.  At a friend's house I went into one of my stories of my life and he said, "I've heard this one.  You tell it the same way every time.  It's performative vulnerability.  I know...I do it too."  FUCK!  At first I felt embarrassed and hurt, but when I dug further I realized it was actually shame (Thanks, Brene Brown!).  He was dead on accurate; as I'd said in a previous post about vulnerability, I will tell you what seems to be an overshare but it's actually calculated so you don't know what I truly feel.  

What I hated more than feeling called out (though he did it in love....sure wasn't trying to hurt me) was that I saw my father in these performances.  My father loved to tell a dramatic story, same inflection, same pauses, though sometimes enhanced through the years.  I hated these stories.  I could imitate them word for word and would eye roll each time I heard it being retold.  He would say, "Stop me if you've heard this one!" and I would immediately reply, "Stop."  When his Alzheimer's progressed, the stories seemed to be all he'd remember, so once he began a story you couldn't stop him.  I would say, "Yes, I know this one well." and he'd keep on going, sometimes even starting over.  I see my future and I'm not amused.  

What would I be without my performances? (tears are welling up typing this)  My stories make me less ordinary.  My dramatic playbacks of my life are what make some horrible things now laughable.  What I heard when he said this to me was "You are way too fucking much.  No one wants to listen to you."  I fully acknowledge that his intentions and my skewed perception of it are worlds apart.  I don't believe that's what he was saying yet the feelings remain.

Because I am too much for most people.  I'm funny.  I'm entertaining.  I'm a riot to hang out with.  But damn....could you just tone it down a few thousand notches.  And I can't do it.  I leave most every interaction I have (parties, gatherings, work events, etc...) replaying all the ways I got too loud, said too much and went too far.  I've tried.  I've tried so hard and believe it or not what you see is actually very toned down from what's going on inside.  I'm not sure this world could handle me being fully myself. Not sure I could handle it.  

Yet blunt, boisterous, loud and in your face isn't being vulnerable.  I don't trust vulnerability and I sure don't trust your ability to handle it if I exposed myself.  Even this blog, Raw Bleach, the whole point is "not toning it down", but I do.  I'm scared.  I have received numerous private messages of people telling me they've read my pieces and were moved and encouraged me not to stop.  And in those moments I do take a tiny step forward, maybe reveal a little thing, and see that I'm not abandoned.  Admitting all this is vulnerable for me.  I'm truly giving all I can right now.

Raw Bleach