Reclaiming Autonomy

I watched a Netflix special recently called "Strip Down, Rise Up". The description goes "In an effort to reclaim their bodies and lives, a group of women explores the intersections of movement and meaning in a powerful pole dancing program." Barely 10 minutes in I found I was sobbing. I've watched is 3 times since and haven't been able to pinpoint what tore me up so quickly but watching has brought about more insight with each viewing.

Pre-pandemic I used to take pole dancing lessons. Any man I was dating, or potentially dating, would drool at the thought of getting a private show as their only experience with pole was from strip clubs. It was nothing like that. Far from it. One of the reviews, from a male in fact, said this, "What pole dancing is outside of the male gaze: body positivity, trauma recovery and reclaiming body and soul from toxic gender roles. Life-changing and very powerful." That's it.

When I started pole I had the vain assumption I would pick it up easily. I've been in dance, learn choreography decently fast, hyper flexible, and am strong. I sucked. I was truly bad on every level. But I admired the strength (clearly beyond mine) and the large variety of body types and ages all kicking ass up there. I wanted it. 

Watching this show shook me in ways I wasn't expecting. Women fighting for their right to exist as they would like, seeing them struggle through shame and fear and ultimately overcoming, witnessing true support...it left me crying and asking myself what I could do differently. 

If you look at pole dancing everything about it is about as far from my upbringing as possible: half naked, high heels, strong women, body autonomy, sexual on their own terms. This encapsulates everything I want to be: owning my body, owning my strength, owning my life.

I found this picture of me from pole (which I believe is the only one taken) and realized it's something I don't share. And I realize I don't share because of the shame around all the things I want to own. This is at it's core a trauma reaction. Well in the name of new reactions I'm sharing. I'm owning this as a fuck you to everyone that has silenced me, cut me down, and made me small. I own it all and you can no longer stop me.

New Year - New Reactions

"I made no resolutions for the New Year. The habit of making plans, of criticizing, sanctioning and molding my life, is too much of a daily event for me." ~ Anais Nin

I actually love resolutions but instead of framing them as goals to obtain, I look at them as a reset, a time for observation, and a reclaiming of what I lost along the way. This year the weight of time hangs in the air as I not only consider what I want for my life but how much time there is to do it. So with the burden of limited time looming I'm instead focusing on my reactions.

My reactions determine my happiness. I'm carefully observing what triggers me, what hurts me, and where I feel validated. Where am I replaying old stories that are no long relevant? What assumptions do I make about myself when what I need doesn't materialize? And quite possibly could everyone else's reactions not be personal to me?

I was randomly posting on Facebook days ago and found everyone's responses were pissing me off. It felt like I was being purposefully made fun of and jabbed at. After deleting an especially annoying post I looked back at my reaction to it all and saw that I hadn't articulated what I was asking very well and this resulted in comments which felt rude. In looking at my reactions from afar I saw that at least most of the comments were merely people flying through their news feed, likely barely reading what I wrote, and certainly weren't trying to hurt me. Though it didn't feel good I was happy to see the result of controlling my reactions instead of acting impulsively.

One of my favorite people to follow on Instagram is The Holistic Psychologist. This insight hit hard, "Start to observe who you spend time with: how they speak, think, & act. Observe how you feel about yourself & life after being around them." I have noticed there are people in my life who I come away feeling like shit. But how much of this is a reaction to something else? Watching my reactions, even when I'm wrong, and seeing where my feelings aren't facts.

Bessel Van Der Kolk says, "Trauma comes back as a reaction, not a memory." I know I have many old beliefs about who I am, my worth, and what my future holds. I also know they have been simmering in my trauma for decades and my reactions don't always know the difference between a feeling and truth.

I'm slowing down as reactivity is typically quick. I'm taking a breath before speaking. I'm reminding myself that the joy of my future is entirely dependent on me and how I chose to react to what is before me. I will live louder to shut down my own damaged mindset.

New Year - New Reactions